Kat Mirabile

Zentralmatura Parodie: LEAKED (!!!) Englischmatura Aufgaben

VERY SECRET ZENTRALMATURA HERBSTTERMIN 2017, DON’T LEAK!!1!!!11!!

Listening

You are going to listen to some Scottish dude from the smallest town in the Highlands talking about something we don’t care about and for some reason the microphone didn’t work properly so yeah good luck also we made it artificially inaudible by inserting random background noises like trains (even though this takes place in Backwardsville Fucktown, Scotland), helicopters, mating elephants, Buffalo Bill skinning his next victim alive and a five year old throwing a temper tantrum because he didn’t get an ice lolly. Also obviously Scotty McScottface won’t repeat himself even if it’s obviously impossible to understand what he just said. After all we take realism seriously and know damn well that y’all are too socially anxious to ask questions. Have fun fuckers.

First you will have 45 seconds to study the task below, then you will hear the recording twice. While listening, choose the correct answer (A, B, C or D) for each question (1–6). Put a cross in the correct box on the answer sheet. The first one (0) has been done for you.

After the second listening, you will have 45 seconds to check your answers.


 

Reading

Read the text about the treatment of birds, then choose the correct answer (A, B, C or D) for questions 1–4. Put a cross in the correct box on the answer sheet. The first one (0) has been done for you.

 

I AM SO SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THAT I WILL UNFOLLOW THE FUCK OUT OF YOU IF I SEE YOU REBLOGGING THAT PHOTO-SET OF THE COCKATOO COVERED IN CHOCOLATE

That is not funny

That is not cute

It is animal abuse

BIRDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT CHOCOLATE

BIRDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE COATED IN CHOCOLATE

Why the fuck do you think birds who get coated in oil die? It’s for the same goddamn reason.

You idiots can have all the chuckles you want over the fact that that poor animal is “living the dream” but I hope you also know that it probably died from that.

And if you still find it funny then I genuinely do not want to associate you and can only wish upon you the most painful and awful death imaginable.

I just want to point out that no one is forcing the bird into the chocolate

No one pulled the damn thing in

In fact it fully appears to be waddling into the fountain by its damn self

Calm the hell down chocolate is not the damn same as chocolate

Its just a bird making a mistake and it’s fucking funny

It’s not animal cruelty unless someone was holding that bird at gunpoint fucking christ


Oh good. I was waiting for some moron to try and defend this.

Listen here cum-slut, I bet you 5 million dollars that you don’t own a bird. But guess what? I own 7. And I can tell you right now that a bird would never just walk into something like a chocolate fountain. They’ll rarely walk directly into water.

But say that your idiotic theory is correct.

Say it did actually walk into it.

That animal still probably died.

Is that still funny to you? Do you still get your kicks out of knowing that that bird was probably terrified and opening its mouth to scream in that last panel?

And if you say yes then you seriously disgust me as a human being.

  Guys those photos were fake, it was CGI, it was from that adam sandler movie jack an Jill

 

 

  1. OP thinks that

 

A     Birds like chocolate

B     Birds die from bird flu

C     Communismkills is a great blog

D     Someone actually tried to drown a bird in chocolate and filmed it

1               OP is

                 A     A fucking Moron
                 B     A huge ass idiot
                 C    Actually just a troll trying to get notes
                 D    A cum slut

  1.               What is covering a bird in chocolate?

A     Funny
B     Cute
C     Animal Abuse
D     A scene from an adam sandler movie called jack an jill

3               Birds are

                 A     Supposed to eat chocolate
                 B     Cute
                 C    Actually dinosaurs
                 D    Not supposed to be coated in chocolate

4               How did the bird get chocolate covered?

                 A     It walked into it voluntarily
                 B     It was brutally forced into it
                 C    That’s a scene from a freakin movie ffs
                 D    Idk but it died anyways

5               This text post is

         A     Iconic
       B An example of the best and simultaneously worst side of tumblr
       C  Old af and not relevant anymore why would any idiot still reference it
       D  An important part in the history of tumblr and the origin of the “listen here cum slut...” copypasta

 

 


 

 

Writing

 

Write a ficlet (500-1000 words) to the following prompt:

 

Human Patrick Star x Jimmy Neutron x Sasuke Uchiha slashfic coffee shop AU lemon CW: Underage

 

You should:

  • Firmly establish the relationship between the characters
  • Write an Author’s Notes paragraph defending the use of the word “lemon”
  • Graphically depict the interaction between the characters
  • Find an appropriate title for your ficlet



AN: Feel free to prank your students, your kids, your siblings, your grandma or anyone else. 
If you re-format it on Wort with helvetica font it looks surprisingly accurate.
All grammar/spelling/other mistakes are purposefully planted into this to make fun of the Bifie/the Bildungsministerium

 

All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Kat Mirabile.
Published on e-Stories.org on 05/09/2017.

 

The author

 

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